Raining Cats and Dogs Tour-Book Excerpt from 3 Heads & a Tail (a comedy romance with walkies) by Vickie Johnstone
Heartprints Pets is happy to be participating in the Raining Cats and Dogs Tour featuring excerpts from works by authors Vickie Johnstone and David M. Brown.
Our second excerpt comes from Vickie Johnstone’s 3 Heads & a Tail. Enjoy it below, then enter to win an $50 Amazon gift card by helping to spread the word about the book tour.
Book blurb:
When nature lover Josie moves into a house share with two pals, dreamer Ben and model man David, she sees it as a short stop and doesn’t bank on an attraction developing with one of them. Meanwhile, Ben’s dog, Glen, has the hots for Miss Posh, the beautiful golden Lab in the park. When dog meets dog it’s puppy love, but a complication leads to Glen taking matters into his own paws. In this comedy of errors, it’s anyone’s guess who will win the girl/dog and live happily ever after.
The book is written in past tense, third-person chapters, but now and then Glen, the dog, has his own chapter-within-a-chapter. His parts are written in present tense, first-person. This is one of his bits.
Click the post title to continue reading….
(Warning…Glen uses a bit of saucy language in this excerpt)
From Chapter 14 – Glen the dog’s POV
“Walkies!
Where can I hide? I gotta hide, anywhere. Whoosh! I’m running into the lounge. Where? Where can I go? Oooch. Behind the sofa? Too obvious, he’ll check there. Behind the TV? It’s too small! Behind the curtains? Yes! Great idea. Oh no, I’m too doggie big. My bum’s sticking out!
“Come on Glen, walkies!” yells David from the corridor. He’s coming in. I can hear the door.
“Glen!” Spotted. He’s seen my big bum sticking out of the curtain. Damn. “Voof.” No, I don’t wanna go walkies with you. I hate you. I’d piss in your shoes again, but I know Ben will tell me off ‘cos there’s no-one else to blame. I can’t imagine Josie pissing in shoes. Asshole!
“Come on!”
Damn, he’s putting the lead on my collar. I’m not moving. You’re going to have to drag me. Go on. Not strong enough, are you? You can drag and drag, but I’m not moving, going nowhere. You’re just going to look stupid. You are stupid anyway, but you’re too stupid to know how stupid you are, Mr Stupid!
“If you come for a walk, I’ll buy you those special dog biscuits you like. The ones Ben doesn’t buy in case your teeth fall out!” says David, bending down.
“Voof.” Now you’re talking. Okay. I feel like a hypocrite, but it is exercise and that’s good for me. Ben would be pleased. And there are doggie biscuits at the end of it. Not any old biscuit, but the special ones. Ben wouldn’t be pleased about that bit of the deal, but they taste so good. I’m licking my lips just thinking about them. And we’re off! We’re heading down the street. Mind the doo doo! Not so fast, man! Don’t drag me … through… the … doo doo… ooh, David! Dammit! Now I stink of another dog’s butt. Where’s the grass? Get me to the grass quick, you oaf, so that I can wipe my paws
“Come on boy, there’s no cars…”
I can see there are no cars! Do I look blind to you? Are you my guide human? “Grrrr.” I can’t move so fast ‘cos my paws are covered in another doggie’s doo doo, and that’s your fault, mister. Mister Idiot Tight Pants. Great – grass. Hold on, I’m wiping my paws. Yep, that’s what I’m doing. Don’t stare. Never seen a dog wipe its paws before? “Voof!” All done, we can keep going now. You see, now you know that the dragging thing really doesn’t work on this dog. No siree.
Wow, how I love this park. Every time I come here it’s like the first time. Just love it – the smell of the grass, the trees, the flowers… mmm. The best flowers are just where you walk in. “Voof.” Even walking with David, of all humans, it is still nice. Now, am I going to see her? Will she be here today? It’s a bit late in the afternoon – she’s normally earlier – but maybe?
“Hi David!” smiles a foxy woman with white-coloured hair, wearing white trousers and a white vest, walking her white poodle. I guess she likes white, but who is she? She’s kissing him on the cheek! I thought he liked Josie. What’s he up to?
“Hi Sam!” replies David, his annoyingly white teeth glinting in the sun. I wonder if he paints them with glow-in-the-dark paint. Yep, that’s alright, I’ll just stand here getting bored while you pose for the woman. Why do poodles have bows in their fur? I don’t get it. That just looks stupid. And it’s pink! It’s very undoggie-like. You’d never catch a golden Lab with a bow on its head. That’s just so undignified.
They’re still talking. Yakety, yak, yak. I’m bored. Stop staring at me, poodle, please. I’m not in the mood for conversation today. Sorry. Ah, great, they’ve finished talking. What? She kisses him again? Oh, and we’re off again. Bye, poodle, sorry about that stupid pink bow on your head. Makes you look like a girl
And we’re off, strutting though the park. The geese are by the lake. Can I chase ‘em? Can I? Can I? Yes, I’m looking at you, gormless. Nope, you’re not going to let me off the lead are you? Well that’s just fine. Ben doesn’t let me chase the geese anyway. I wouldn’t bite them, just play. Ooh, squirrels – can I chase the squirrels? Can I? Guess not. “Well hello, sexy!” says a tall, dark-haired woman wearing a very short skirt and the highest heels I’ve ever seen. She looks like a stork – a stork with a woman’s head. How does she walk in them? I don’t get it. Why do women wear those things? Do her feet stay in that shape when she takes them off? What? She’s kissing him as well? “Hello Veronica! How are you?” asks David, giving his cheesy smile.
“Why haven’t you rung me, honey? I’m missing my Wednesday night roll!”
Wednesday night? So he’s seeing other women as well as Josie? Asshole! When can I tell Josie? I have to tell her! Then she’ll like Ben. Oh, I can’t tell her, I’m a dog. That’s right. She doesn’t understand doggie language. Damn it. “Grrrr.” Oh, the stork is staring at me now. “GRRRRRRRR.”
“Well, David, you seem to have your hands full at the moment. I’m not too good with dogs. Ring me, baby, or I’m coming to find you!” she says, grabbing his face and kissing him big on the lips. Wow, she’s not shy is she? David’s not complaining. David, I so want to piss in your shoes! One day…
Plan – how to tell Josie that David is cheating. How do I do that? How? Why do humans cheat anyway? If I had a regular doggie friend I wouldn’t be cheating. Now, if I was seeing Miss Golden Paws, well… oops, where’s he taking me now? We’re heading across the park. Now where? Ooh, squirrels… stop! Okay, no stopping. We’re going to the coffee shop, the one by the lake. Are we stopping? Will I get a nice cool drink? Yes, they’ve put a bowl of water by the door. Great! I’m drooling.
But, what’s he doing now? He’s tying me to the pole! That’s nice. Oh yeah, no dogs allowed. Who made up that rule? Come on! We’re not dirty! We’re man’s best friend. We should be allowed in buildings, especially when it’s cold and raining! Have a heart! Well, at least this water is cool on my tongue! That’s me done. Now where’s Asshole gone? Ah, he’s gone inside. I can see you, stupid! He’s talking to the girl who makes coffee. She’s making a drink. He’s paying. Oh, he’s not paying. She’s giving him the drink for free! I can’t believe it! She’s holding his hand?! “Voof, voof, voof, voof!” Now they’re both looking at me ‘cos I’m barking so loudly. Yes, look at me! The dog! I can see you holding hands and I’m not impressed, mister! Okay, ignore me! I’m just the dog. Hold hands, kiss… you’re kissing her too?
Right, I’m not watching any more of this. I’m going round the side, pulling my lead as far as it goes and sitting on the grass. I’m gonna wait here. Poor Josie, I have to be nicer to her. She has to be with Ben. How do I get her to notice Ben? Plan, plan, plan! Maybe I can bring Josie to the coffee shop when I know David will be here. Then she’ll see what he’s like. I could do that. That’s a plan!
But how does he do it? How does David get all of these women? What do they see in him? Why can’t I do this with lady dogs? Well, my track record isn’t too good. “Voof.” It’s rubbish, be honest. “Voof.” I can’t chat up lady dogs. I’m useless. They don’t even notice me. Poodles? Well, poodles with pink bows notice me, but not the lady dogs that I like. And here I’m thinking of Miss Perfect Gold. She doesn’t even see me. If I act more David-like, would she notice me? If I try walking like him, all confident, and gaze at the lady dogs, would that work? He does that big cheesy smile. I could try smiling more. “Voof.” Nah, I’m gonna look dopey. I just know I’ll look dopey.
Maybe if I practice more with the Frisbee, become more athletic? I dunno, there must be some secret to becoming popular with lady doggies. Let’s face it, I’m just like Ben. We’re both rubbish with females, totally useless. We don’t know what to do. We just wait and hope. I hope we don’t have to wait too long or our bits might stop working. Or they might drop off. Can that happen? Is that possible? I hope not. “Voof.” I’m just going to lie here and whine. “Hoomphff!” It’s a dog’s life.
Buy links:
Ebook price: $2.99/£1.99
Paperback price: $9.99/£5.40
Diesel
Author bio:
Vickie Johnstone lives in London, UK, where she works as a freelance sub-editor on magazines and an editor on indie books. She has a thing about fluffy cats and also loves reading, writing, films, the sea, rock music, art, nature, Milky Bar, Baileys and travelling.
Vickie has self-published the following books:
Kaleidoscope (poetry); Travelling Light (poetry); Life’s Rhythms (haiku); 3 Heads and a Tail (comedy romance); Kiwi in Cat City (magical cat series for middle grade readers); Kiwi and the Missing Magic; Kiwi and the Living Nightmare; Kiwi and the Serpent of the Isle; Kiwi in the Realm of Ra; Kiwi’s Christmas Tail; Day of the Living Pizza (comedy detective series for middle grade readers), and Day of the Pesky Shadow. The Kiwi Series has illustrations by Nikki McBroom.
Author links:
Blog: http://vickiejohnstone.blogspot.com
Twitter: @vickiejohnstone
Website: Kiwiincatcity.com
FB author page: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorVickieJohnstone
FB Kiwi Series page: http://www.facebook.com/KiwiinCatCity
FB poetry page: http://www.facebook.com/KaleidoscopePoetry
FB editing service page: http://www.facebook.com/VickieJohnstoneEditing
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